I interviewed this client’s parents in Dallas back in May, 2007. His father died about a year later. I called him recently to thank him for referring yet another of his friends to me to have a LifeStory done for their parent(s). I said, “I don’t quite know how to thank you for the numerous referrals you’ve given me.” He said, “You don’t understand. I keep your LifeStory DVDs on my desk at my office. Whenever I am missing Dad, all I have to do is pop in the DVD into my computer and there he is.” He went on to explain that giving me referrals is his gift to his friends so they can experience those memories for themselves.

I was speechless. Little did I know how much those LifeStory DVDs meant to him. I say this not to pat myself on the back, but to remind each of you the importance of recording the memories of your loved ones…whether you do it yourself or hire a professional to do it for you.  If you want to do it yourself but don’t know where to begin, please call me. I’d be glad to help you get started. It’s too important to ignore.

I hope you can now say, as I did that day, “Now I understand.”

Thought #1 – Ask the Question Anyway - “How do I word the question?”, “When is the best time to ask it?”, Where should I ask them that question?” are all real fears that get in the way. I say, “As the question anyway.” The fact that you are concerned with those points should let you know that you are sensitive to the subject. If you let fear, however, get in the way of your asking the question, it will never be asked. All too often, I’ll hear at a funeral, “I never knew _____ about them.” If you don’t ask, you’ll never know! Ask anyway.

Thought #2 – Use Empathy - Think to yourself, “If someone were to ask me the same question, how would I want it to be asked of me?” Whatever the answer to that is, use it to ask the question. This is how I formulate many of the questions I use in the LifeStory interviews I conduct. If you follow this advice, your caring and concern for the other person will shine through and make their answer as genuine as it can be.

Thought #3 – They’ve Been Waiting for You to Ask the Question for a Long Time - While this idea might seem foreign to you, you’ll be surprised when they tell you, “I knew you were going to ask me that. I just didn’t know when you were going to get around to it.” The amazing thing about this is that the’ve had an answer for you in their mind for a long time. Think about it in your own life experiences…some things you are just not going to volunteer to tell people unless and until they ask. But when they ask, you will gladly answer. It’s true!

Thought #4 – Approach the Question with the Benefit of Others in Mind - Here’s an example of what I mean by that: “I know you went through a divorce in 1968. Please share with me what experiences you went through and what lessons you learned from those experiences so others (substitute here “your grandchildren”, “your children”, “I”, etc. instead of “others” if it fits) will not go through the same difficult times as you did.” Remember, everyone goes through difficult times in life. Most people would be happy to share those experiences if it means being able to help others avoid making the same mistakes they made.

Thought #5 – Sincere Interest and Genuine Curiosity – I’ve mentioned this before and cannot emphasize it enough. Questions about someone’s life should always be asked with sincere interest and genuine curiosity…and you cannot fake either! This is especially important when you ask difficult questions. The person you are asking will see this and will more likely respond favorably.

Be sure to give yourself a pat on the back when you ask those difficult questions. It’s a brave thing you are doing and you should reward yourself for doing so.

The challenge, however, is not knowing how to ask those questions…questions of lessons learned that should be passed down to future generations. My best advice is to first realize the risk of not asking the questions, and , thus, not allowing the lessons to be learned. When we think of mistakes that we’ve made because we were never taught to avoid them, we begin to realize our multi-generational responsibility. Thinking of this puts us in the frame of mind to ask those questions.

As mentioned in previous blog posts, setting the right environment, or a safe place, for stories to be shared is very important. If possible, ask the questions where you will have minimal chances of interruption. It is horrible to have someone sharing thoughts from their hearts only to have them stopped mid-stream by an interruption. Once someone is “in the zone” of sharing words of wisdom, make it easy to stay in “the zone”.

It is also essential to practice great listening skills while asking these questions. A good, long pause after you think the interviewee has finished with their thought will prevent you from missing a pearl of wisdom that usually follows a long pause of thought. Practice this in your regular, day-to-day conversation to fine-tune this skill. In every LifeStory interview I conduct, I find moments when I am glad I waited that extra second before I said something. This video clip is a perfect example http://tinyurl.com/8xhbzce . Had I interrupted his emotion by saying something, I never would have heard, “I miss my Dad”. While this might not seem like a direct lesson taught to a child, his son sure learned a lot about his father from this clip!

As to what questions to ask so great lessons can be passed along, I suggest using empathy while formulating your questions to ask. For instance, if you are formulating a question regarding parenting skills, ask yourself, “What question should someone ask me if I wanted to pass along what I think a good parent should do?” This is usually a good place to start when thinking about what to ask your interviewee. It will also aid the interviewee in feeling that you posses two of the most important attributes in conversation: sincere interest and genuine curiosity.

So, with all due respect, Graham Nash, I think the lyrics should read, ”Go ahead and ask them why, if they told you, all will cry, So just look at them and sigh, and know they love you.”

You cannot cover the early teen years without asking about first dates and first kisses. While many of us have a smile on our faces as we anticipate an answer, be careful. The experience for your interviewee might not have been a positive one (but in most cases it was). I usually approach the subject by asking, “It is usually during the early teen years that people start dating. Please tell us, when was your first date and who was the lucky person?”

Their answer will naturally lead to the follow-up questions of, “Where did you go?”, “Why did you go there?” and “Was that where you got your first kiss?” As you can imagine, the answers can be all over the place, but mostly invoke smiles, reflection, and the interviewee leaving the present place of the interview and wondering in their minds back to that time and place. You’ll be able to see this if you pay close attention to their eyes and facial expression. This is exactly what you want. If that is where they go in their mind, then the answers to the follow-up questions will be knee-jerk and totally honest.

A good sample of this is in the following clip from a LifeStory I conducted in Wimberley, TX this year. This charming lady from Waco, TX told the most wonderful stories. While I encourage you as an interviewer to hold back your audible responses during the interview (whether happy or sad), I couldn’t hold my laughter back as she told her story of how a boy, quite literally, stole a kiss from her http://vimeo.com/31403390.

Practice asking those questions about first dates and first kisses with friends in conversation. But be prepared for a lot of fun responses!

** Having “sincere interest and genuine curiosity” is an important mindset and feeling in any form of communication. I learned and practiced this skill from a great trainer, Joe Zente of Z-three in Austin, Texas http://www.zthree.com/. If you are interested in learning more about it, give Joe a call. He helped make me a better communicator and a better business person.

Yesterday was a perfect example of this. I conducted an audio LifeStory (no video camera, just professional digital audio recording equipment) with an 87-year-old lady. Her husband of 65 years died just three years ago. So, as you can imagine, tears were shed when we talked about him. She worked at a movie theater at age 17 when they first dated. They had a favorite movie (in 1942) that had “their song” in it. Their song was “You Are Always in my Heart” http://tinyurl.com/3k9uea9. As I put a copy of the words in front of her and asked her to sing the song, she began crying toward the end of her beautiful singing. At the end of her emotion she said, “It’s just been so hard without him.” I could have avoided the question and subject all together, but I would have missed her sharing of how she really felt about her husband.

Here are a few hints about how to handle emotion as it comes up in an interview:

Helpful Hint #1 – Be Silent as it Happens - It is a tendency by many people to want to comfort the interviewee by saying something. Don’t! Any words you say will interrupt their emotion. Some of the most priceless words from their hearts will come at he end of their emotion. If you interrupt their emotion, you will lose and miss those heartfelt words. Here’s an example: http://tinyurl.com/4y7lk6q.

Helpful Hint #2 – Wait Until the Emotion is Finished - This is perhaps the hardest thing for most people to do. How will you know when the emotion is finished? They will show you with their body language. Remember, for you, the length of time during the emotion will seem long. For them, it’s quick. But they will make eye contact with you when they are finished. They will also give you other non-verbal signals that it’s time for the next question.

Helpful Hint #3 – Don’t Touch Them or Invade Their Personal Space - I’m a hugger and a person who likes to comfort another by touching them. In the setting of a LifeStory interview, it’s a definite “no-no” to touch them. Touching them is just as bad as saying something. It will interrupt the emotion.

Helpful Hint #4 – Don’t Stop the Recording - Many interviewees will apologize as the emotion starts and ask to stop recording the interview. Don’t do it! You will miss the priceless words or audible signs of emotion if you stop the recording. Remember that if you are using digital recording technology, it is easy to take out pieces of the emotion if you choose to later on. You cannot add back in the emotion that you missed after the fact!

Helpful Hint #5 – Keep Your Emotion Controlled - I’m not asking you not to cry (or laugh during joyous emotion). It is normal for you to cry, too. I cry during many of the Lifestories I conduct. What is important to do is to control it. Keep you sniffles and sounds from your mouth to a minimum. Any audible sound from you will be picked up by the microphone. Remember, this is their story, not yours!

Emotion is part of life. Your capturing the LifeStories of your loved ones will involve emotion. You can deal with it in a way that will enhance the value of the LifeStory. Enjoy the journey.

I find it hard to describe all the feelings that race through my mind and my heart as the final question I ask is answered. That question I ask is, “Do you have any closing comments to leave for future generations?” The interviewee knows these are the words they end with…those closing words of thought and wisdom that future generations will, hopefully, connect with. For some, it is a synopsis of their life’s lessons learned, passionately translated to teach loved ones they might not ever meet. For others, it is a smile and a simple, “I love you.” And yet, for others, it is a joyful smile, thank you, and sigh of relief that their task of sharing their story is complete.

But what is common at the conclusion of most all the LifeStories I conduct is the closing of the eyes and deep breath that acknowledges the sealing of a legacy left for others…a legacy that means much more that money, or property, or any material possession they might pass along.

It’s not just at the end of the interview that I feel the importance of the LifeStory. I get wonderful bits of the feeling as the interview progresses. The fun thing is that it can come at a moment when I least expect it. The best example of this is in one of my favorite LifeStories ever recorded. A clip of that recording is found on my website http://www.lifestoriesalive.com/ (just click on “View Demo” and select “Individual”).  It shows how, in the middle of a moment of great joy, a heartfelt moment of sadness hit the gentleman I was interviewing…and hit him quite unexpectedly. After viewing his emotion, there was no doubt how he felt about his Dad. And for me, there was no doubt how I felt about being the one to bring that to his family.

The good news is that you can experience that feeling, too. Just decide to do a LifeStory for someone you love.

I am excited about the topic, “How to Be a Better Storyteller by Setting the Story Free”. I have found that the most effective communicators are the best storytellers…and the best storytellers bring out the hidden essence of the individual. During my discussion, audience members will learn helpful techniques and strategies like listening with your whole body and interviewing without interrupting.

Great news, guys…the conference is not just for women! Men are very welcome to attend the entire morning through lunch. The message I will be delivering applies as much to men as it does to women. So come along, guys. You are welcome, too!

The conference is on Friday, October 21, 8:00 AM to 1:00 PM at the Hilton Austin, 500 East 4th Street, Austin, TX. Registration closes October 15, so hurry and register today. See you there!

Choice #1 – Put It On a Shelf for Safe Keeping - Unfortunately, this is the most common thing to do with family archives. Most of us have the box of family photos or video tapes of weddings, birthdays, etc. shoved on a shelf somewhere for safe keeping. While they may be in “safe keeping”, the only productive thing they are doing is collecting dust. Oh, from time to time they are dragged out and reviewed for family occasions, but let’s face it, it is a rare occasion when they ever see the light of day. The unfortunate scenario here is that they are forgotten and could even be damaged by age or improper storage.

For advice on organizing and storing your memorabilia, whether snapshots, film or video, I highly recommend enlisting the help of Lorie Marrero and her team of organizers at The Clutter Diet http://www.clutterdiet.com/. Lorie and her team have helped thousands of people in eighteen countries to affordably get their homes in shape!

Choice #2 – Make it a Ongoing, Living Project - Recording and preserving the LifeStories of your loved ones doesn’t have to be a one-time event. You can make it an ongoing project. In fact, technology helps make this choice a lot of fun. As discussed in previous blog posts, recording devices are easier to use and less expensive than ever before. With the ease of use of Flip Cameras and smart phones like the iPhone, there’s no reason why you can’t bring it to every family occasion and record a few moments. Simply turn it on and ask people how they are feeling or what they think of this occasion. Then upload it to your computer or a family YouTube channel and share with others.

The point here is that capturing LifeStories should be a regular occurrence, recording a little bit at a time. Think of it as a quick video of the birthday party of a child recorded every birthday till they are very old. The difference is that it’s not just for birthdays, it’s for every family occasion.

Choice #3 – Share, Share, Share - Again, technology is your friend here. Becoming the cool family historian can take only 15 minutes a week. Start your own family clip or photo of the week. Store all the photos and video clips on your computer and send out just one photo or a five-minute clip out to your contacts once a week. Many of you are already doing this via Facebook on an irregular basis.

Start a new habit of every Sunday, for instance, sending something out. For Mother’s Day it can be a sweet photo of Mom. For just any week, it could be that photo your brother hates of him being goofy as a kid. Which reminds me, if you are not the one in charge of this project, it’ll be the goofy photo of you that is sent out by your sibling! Alternate photos and video clips; one week a photo and the next week a video clip.

Think of other creative ways of sharing your family’s history and let me know your ideas. I’d like to share them with my LifeStories community. And remember to make it fun!

Audio Equipment - An advantage of recording via audio is the equipment is portable and a bit easier to use and edit than video. Modern technology has also made it inexpensive to use high quality digital audio equipment. If you don’t already own one, there are many places to purchase digital audio recorders. Your local camera stores should have them and have helpful people to answer questions for you as you shop. Online shopping gives me the most variety to choose from. While there are many online stores to choose from, I have had success using Newegg.com http://tinyurl.com/3p87a99 .

When shopping for audio equipment, I advise to just keep it simple. Features that are nice to have are a voice-activated recording feature and an easy to use transfer process from the recorder to your computer. The better sound quality will come from recorders that have the ability to plug in two separate microphones on two separate channels. If you cannot afford this more expensive option, don’t worry. The quality from a built-in mic will still be okay.

Once you have your audio LifeStory on your computer, you can edit it. While this is not a mandatory step, it gives you the ability to take out interruptions, audible distractions and miscues, thus “cleaning up” your production. Most computers these days come equipped with some audio editing software. If it’s not already on your computer, the software is very inexpensive to buy. With my MacBook Pro, I use Apple’s Garage Band http://tinyurl.com/2l96m, one of many cool things available on their iLife software.

Video Equipment  - Years ago,when most people thought of shooting a video interview, immediate fears of expensive, bulky equipment and impossible editing technology came to mind. Today, the YouTube generation has taught us that it can be easy and fun. Again, if you don’t have a camcorder already, online sources like Newegg.com http://tinyurl.com/3p87a99  and Fry’s http://tinyurl.com/3umgpdq are plentiful.

As many of you have seen by viewing YouTube videos, the quality of the finished product varies widely, especially when it comes to the audio part of a video shoot. For this reason, I advise looking into spending a bit more money to buy a camera that has inputs or channels for two external microphones. That way you can edit and adjust your voice and the voice of your interviewee separately when editing the video.

There is a lot to cover when addressing making a video. A good, quick and fun source for learning how to shoot a video is found in a book I recently found. Steve Stockman’s How to Shoot Video That Doesn’t Suck http://tinyurl.com/3bhn4mn provides a fun, easy to learn way of making your video. Regarding editing the video, software is plentiful. Most of my editors use Apple’s Final Cut Pro http://www.apple.com/finalcutpro/, a professional’s software that produces big screen quality productions. But you don’t have to spend thousands of dollars to get good quality editing done. As mentioned above with audio, my Apple computer has iLife, and with iLife comes iMovie http://tinyurl.com/6b57x, video editing software that most beginners can learn and have fun with.

Whichever method of recording you choose, be sure to experiment and have fun with it before you sit down to record the LifeStory. You want to be able to concentrate on the conversation you are having with your interviewee rather than worrying about technology once the interview begins. And if you want to hire a professional to do it all for you, I’m available! http://www.lifestoriesalive.com/

Helpful Hint #1 – Watch Your Voice Tone and Body Language When Asking the Questions - Interviewing someone for their LifeStory involves many different tones and moods as you cover different periods of a life. It makes sense that your body language, tone of voice and overall demeanor will change from the questions about what they did for fun as a kid to how they heard and handled the news of the death of a close relative. As you ask about what games they played with their schoolmates during the elementary school years, you should have a smile on your face and a jovial show of body language. But be prepared for a change of that tone if they share that they were left out of fun and games as a child for reasons you didn’t anticipate. The only way you will catch this is if you are actively listening.

Helpful Hint #2 – Use Empathy (It’s About Them, Not You) - While you might have an agenda of what information you want to gather, the story is about them, not you. Therefore, you must ask the questions with their answers in mind, not how you would answer the question! This is a common mistake that many interviewers make. They expect an answer to have certain words or be delivered in certain way. Because of this, they might ask a question in a superior or patronizing manner. Without naming names, some professional interviewers/talk show hosts make it about themselves. They ask their questions to show off their intelligence or sense of humor. And that might be good for their talk show, but it doesn’t work with the “why” http://tinyurl.com/3vux5bh I have, or you might have, for the LifeStories we conduct.

Of my favorite professional interviewers is Terry Gross, host of National Public Radio’s program, Fresh Air http://tinyurl.com/3kqvmdk . I believe she is one of the best at having empathy with her interviewees. After I’ve heard an entire interview of hers, I feel like I really know the interviewee. And it took me years to know anything about Terry! That’s the sign of a great interviewer.

Helpful Hint #3 – Don’t Look At Your Notes While Asking the Question - As you are asking a question, your interviewee will begin to react to what is being asked…long before you finish asking the question. They might even interrupt you from finishing the question. It is for this reason that you must have your eyes fixed on them when asking your question. That is why I have my questions written on 3″ X 5″ index cards. I can hold them in the palm of one hand, keep my thumb on the next question to be asked, and quickly (very quickly) glance down at it well before asking it. If I am intently watching the interviewee as I ask the question, I am prepared to change the tone and demeanor of the question (as I am asking it) if their reaction is not one I expect. The best result of that is that the interviewee really believes that you are listening to them, and not just selfishly asking questions.

Helpful Hint #3 – Apologize If You Screw Up - Staying focused and asking questions for long periods of time is difficult. So mistakes and other screw ups will happen. They do for me! The best thing to do is apologize to the interviewee and move on. Never make excuses for mistakes. This just builds a mistrust that you cannot afford to have with your interviewee.

In my next blog post we will begin to cover the equipment and technology used in a LifeStory.